" Often people get way too in their head. By having someone else take control of the situation, and/or taking control of situation, it puts you into the present moment. "
Angela Rennie
MA, PGDip, MA (Hons), MHS (Hons) Psychology
Intimacy Counselling
Adults looking to explore sexually with their partner may consider Bondage and BDSM. However it's an area of sexual play and fantasy which can feel controversial. We asked sex therapist Angela Rennie some beginners questions
Is Bondage and BDSM a bad thing?
"I don’t think anyone else can decide that for someone else. My question to clients is are you harming yourself? And/or are you harming anyone else? If the answer is no to both of these questions, and it is between 2 consenting adults, I don’t feel it is anyone’s right to pass judgement. In fact BDSM practitioners have been shown to have lower levels of anxiety, depression, sadism, borderline pathology, paranoia, and PTSD."
Does it make someone bad/weird to enjoy BDSM/Bondage?
"Definitely not. It is a very common area of play and fantasy for many adults in the sexual space. Sexual preferences are often a healthy expression of sexuality. However, there is extremes in anything and there is some very extreme types which I wouldn’t think are good for overall well-being."
What things should people watch out for? (BDSM being used in an abusive way)
"You always need to be treated with respect. People who don’t keep the boundaries you set or push you to change them. People who groom and/or use other forms of manipulation. People who don’t seek out *enthusiastic consent and the use safe words."
*Enthusiastic Consent means looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.”
What is the difference between BDSM and abuse?
"Manipulating and/or blackmailing someone else to engage when they may not otherwise. Harming yourself or others; physically, emotionally or mentally. Consent; which the BDSM community tend to be very good at. There are higher rates of narcissism in those that participate in BDSM so you do need to be cautious."
Am I still a feminist if I enjoy being submissive?
"Sex is why adults play. You can play in this way without it effecting your morals and beliefs. Of course. One of the 3 main categories of sexual play is power dynamics. A lot of people enjoy playing both submissive and dominant roles at different times."
Things to think about when starting to explore BDSM/Bondage.
Clear communication is vital to a healthy sex life and it is pivotal if you are going to explore BSDM/bondage with your partner. Everyone must feel safe and heard and able to express their wishes at any moment.
Before: discussing what you would like to explore, agreeing on rules, boundaries and a safe word
During: You need a way to communicate during sex, to say if you want to take things further, slow down, or if you want things to stop. Agree on how you would like to communicate during sex, for example the Traffic Light System, explained in the video Conscious Kink Communication Skills, within our resources and tutorials.
After sex, communicate to your partner about things you enjoyed, would like more of or what you didn't like. The more knowledge you have about yourself and your partner, the greater your connection and the more fulfilling your sexual experience will be.
Trust and Respect
Respect of each other's boundaries and responding to safe words and an agreed communication system is vital for safe play, emotionally and physically. You must each feel safe and empowered, yes even if you are acting in a submissive role. Being submissive does not mean you are not in control of the situation or that can't say no. Even if you are tied up with a mouth gag, you have the power and a clear way to communicate your needs or if you want the act to stop.
Respond to your emotions in the moment.
Just because you enjoyed something before, does not mean you have to agree to it every time. Depending on our moods, we may feel more vulnerable or sensitive and so less comfortable with things, even if you have enjoyed them at other times. Remain responsive to your moods and emotions and communicate this to your partner.
We have put together some resources discussing various popular BDSM/Bondage topics.