Understanding Accelerators and Brakes in Relationships: Insights from Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are
Emily Nagoski’s groundbreaking book, Come As You Are, reshapes the way we think about intimacy, desire, and connection. One of her most impactful concepts is the "dual control model," which explains how our sexual desire operates much like a car—with an accelerator and brakes.
The Dual Control Model: What Are Accelerators and Brakes?
According to Nagoski, every person has a sexual "accelerator" and "brakes," and they work together to either increase or decrease our desire.
Accelerators: These are the cues or situations that spark desire and arousal. Think of them as the "go" signals in your brain, triggered by anything that makes you feel sexy, connected, or turned on. These could be physical touch, a romantic date, playful banter, or even the memory of a steamy moment.
Brakes: On the flip side, brakes are the "stop" signals—anything that causes stress, discomfort, or distraction. These might include fatigue, unresolved conflict, self-consciousness, or feeling overwhelmed by work or family responsibilities.
How Accelerators and Brakes Impact Relationships
Nagoski emphasizes that understanding your own and your partner's accelerators and brakes is essential to fostering a healthy and satisfying intimate connection. She writes:
"Sexual response happens when the sexual accelerator is activated more than the brakes. But if the brakes are being hit too hard, no amount of pressure on the accelerator will get you going."
This insight is crucial for couples. Often, when a couple struggles with mismatched libido or waning desire, the focus is solely on adding more "accelerators" (like date nights or lingerie) without addressing the "brakes" that might be in play.
Identifying Your Accelerators and Brakes
Nagoski suggests taking time to identify the specific cues that activate or inhibit your desire. This process requires curiosity and openness:
What turns you on? Is it a sense of emotional connection? Spontaneity? A certain type of touch or language?
What turns you off? Is it stress? Feeling rushed? Feeling unseen or unappreciated?
By naming these factors, you and your partner can create an environment that nurtures intimacy.
Practical Tips to Balance Accelerators and Brakes
Remove the brakes: Address stressors that might be putting a damper on desire. This might involve sharing household responsibilities, resolving conflicts, or simply creating space to unwind together.
Focus on the accelerators: Lean into the moments, touches, and activities that bring you closer. This might look like dedicating uninterrupted time for connection, being playful, or exploring new ways to express affection.
The Beauty of Context
Nagoski reminds us that our accelerators and brakes are deeply contextual. What feels exciting in one moment might feel overwhelming in another. By approaching intimacy with compassion and understanding, couples can better navigate these shifts.
As Nagoski says:
"Desire isn’t something you have or don’t have—it’s something you cultivate. And the more you understand how your unique combination of accelerators and brakes work, the better you can tend to that desire, both in yourself and in your relationship."
Final Thoughts
Relationships thrive when we understand each other’s needs, including what fuels and inhibits desire. By taking the time to explore your own and your partner’s accelerators and brakes, you can create a more connected and fulfilling intimate life.
For more insights, Come As You Are is a must-read—offering science-based wisdom to help every couple rediscover intimacy on their own terms.